Seth Ritter

How Retarded Are You?
put an x in the ones you have done before
1. [x] You have choked on water before.
2. [x] You have tripped down the stairs before.
3. [x] You have walked into a door.
4. [x] You have pushed a door the wrong way.
5. [x] You have walked into a wall.
6. [x] You have fallen going UP the stairs.
7. [x] You have jumped off stairs and hit your head on whatever was above them.
8. [ ] You have been electrocuted by a light-switch or an outlet.
9. [x] You have put metal/aluminum in the microwave.
10. [x] Right after a commercial comes on you forgot the show you were watching.
11. [x] You have forgotten something that someone said.
12. [x] You usually don’t understand sayings / jokes, and it takes a long time to figure them out.
14. [x] You have been bleeding and not even noticed it.
15. [x] You've worn something backwards / inside out the whole day without knowing.
16. [ ] you have stuck a fork / knife in a toaster before. (I want to)
17. [x] You have played with fire.
18. [x] You've tripped over your own shoelace.
19. [x] You didn’t even notice there wasn’t a number 13 in this quiz
20. [x] You just checked to see if there wasn’t a number 13

WHY IS IT......IF YOU CROSS
THE NORTH KOREAN
BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR......BUT IF YOU CROSS THE
U.S. BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET A DRIVERS LICENSE, SOCIAL SECURITY CARD,
AND FREE HEALTH CARE? WHO'S BRIGHT IDEA WAS THIS?

      

      “Survivor
Texas Style”
Due to the popularity of the
"Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled, "Survivor,
Texas-Style." The contestants will all start in Dallas, then drive to
Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville.
They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso, Midland, Odessa, Lubbock
and Amarillo. From there they will go on to Abilene, Fort Worth and
finally back to Dallas.
Each will be driving a pink
Volvo with bumper stickers that reads: "I'm Gay", "I love the Dixie
Chicks", "Boycott Beef", "I Voted for Obama", "George Strait Sucks",
"Hillary in 2012" and "I'm here to confiscate
your guns."
The first one to make it
back to Dallas alive wins.

      

      Cowboy
rules for life:
1. Pull your pants up.  You look like an
idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a
pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're
gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

 4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell
like
money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10 & I-40 go east and
west, I-17 & I-15 goes north and south. Pick one and go.

 5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000
Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

 6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being
friendly. Try
to understand the concept.

 7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of
geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin' in during a hunt, we WILL shoot
it outta your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at
the time.

 8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want
sushi and
caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

 9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a
religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

 10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women,
regardless of
age.

 11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu.
Order steak,
or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and
turkey.

 12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats,
vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup!
Oh, yeah ... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff
you eat ... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

 13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and
served
over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know
how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

 14. College and High School Football is as important here as the
Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang
site more fun to watch.

 15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -
it
spooks the fish.

 16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump 
ain't
music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see
your boxers! Refer back to #1!

      

      

TICK WARNING!

      I hate it when people
forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times
unintentionally but this one is real, and it's important. Please send this
warning to everyone on your e- mail list. If someone comes to
your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm
weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with
your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS
A SCAM!! They only want to see you naked. I wish I'd gotten this
yesterday..... I feel so stupid!
      